Regarding Birth-mothers

As the adoptive mother of five children, I hold the love of several birth-mothers in my heart. I have been often asked the questions,"Why didn't she want them?" and "Aren't you afraid she will want them back?"

These questions don't anger me, unless they are asked in front of my children.

I'm sure you understand that.

But I do know people wonder. The unknown can be scary and, because of the negative nature of adoption in the media, many people have a "worse case scenario" view of birth-mothers.

Out of love for these heroines in the lives of my children I would like to paint the true picture.

Yes, of course there are those who abandon their children. There are those whose substance abuse or physical abuse of their babies results in the loss of custody. There are those who just "want out" and think giving the baby to someone else will get them off the hook. (At least the young women in the latter case chose LIFE.)

But in five adoptions, that has never been our experience.

Four times I have looked into the eyes of a young woman, whose beautiful large belly holds my child, and seen hope. I have held our birth-mothers as they wept over their decision, hoping desperately that her child, our child, will understand. I have whispered urgent promises through tears that YES, her baby will know she loves him. YES, her baby will be told about her and the heroic act of faith that took place when she placed them in my arms. I have promised her prayers, love, and someday...someday...a chance to see and know what God has done in the life of her child, our child, because of her love for her baby.

Our birth-mothers have been the hands and feet of Jesus in our lives. Through the consequences of their behaviors they have chosen a path of redemption. They have looked at their growing bodies and imagined the child within, prayed for direction, and stepped forward in faith to let go and trust God with their child's life more fully than I have ever had to. In the ultimate act of love and selflessness, they have walked away with empty arms and bodies still sore and depended on letters and pictures to tell the story of their children as they grow up. They have chosen to die to themselves, to place their hearts on the cross and hurt more deeply than they have ever hurt in their lives in order for their babies to live and have all God intended for them...a Mommy and a Daddy and the stability that comes with a healthy, intact family.

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. John 15:13

When we brought our youngest child home I incorrectly assumed there would be no birth-mother to love. So often children in Ethiopia are abandoned or death claims the parents. But I was wrong.

There was, and is, a woman who bore my daughter, who loved her and tried desperately to raise her. But poverty is relentless and it threatened to take the life of her child. In desperation she took her little girl to a place where she was told "she would get to grow up." And then she became ours. I got to meet this precious woman as well, and look into her eyes and make the same promises I have made to all the others.

"She will know you love her. "

"She will love you."

"We love you."

"We will teach her about Jesus."

There is no escape for me. I love these young women as you can only love the one person in the world who thinks your child is a amazing and wonderful as you do. I long to see them live in victory, to walk in the love of Christ fully and be blessed for their willingness to walk the path of the cross for the sake of their children.

So, my answer to the questions people ask? I guess they are really pretty simple.

"Why didn't she want them? She wanted them desperately, would have loved to have had the joy of raising them, but chose to be obedient to God's plan over her own desires."

"Does she want them back? Of course, she does. If you could bring someone back that you have loved and had to let go, wouldn't you? But she loves them too much. She knows that where they are is where they belong would never take that away from them. "

To every birth-mother in my life, whether of my children or of others', thank you from the bottom of my heart. May our children rise up and call us all blessed.

(Prov. 31:28)