Where, oh where?

"How did you decide which country from which to adopt?"

I am asked this question often. And I would like to explain why I answer the way I do:

I often hear and read about impassioned conversations regarding adoption that involve trying to convince prospective adoptive parents of why they "should" adopt either domestically (meaning from within the United States) or internationally. Those who have adopted domestically rightfully feel passionate about why they chose to do so. They see the need right here, in our own backyard, to provide loving, Christian homes to babies who otherwise might have been victims of abortion, neglect, abuse, etc. (To date, over 54 million American children have died due to abortion) or to children who are in foster care (over 500,000 nationwide) and who desperately need the stability of a forever family. Couples who have adopted internationally also feel passionate about their decision, even down to the "whys" of which country they chose...citing the statistics...147 million orphans, millions of victims of slavery, sex trafficking, child sacrifice, abuse, poverty, etc.

What about me? Well, my husband and I have adopted both ways, so when I hear these arguments I cringe. It is so easy for us, as Christians, to get on a soapbox and assume that, because God called "me" to adopt either internationally or domestically, it is therefore the "right" way to do it and everyone else should follow my lead if they want to be in His will.

But here is reality. God chose our children before the foundation of the world. He planned our families and determined who, when, and from where our children would come. He calls us and leads us to our children.

When we accept this and realize that we are but instruments of the Lord, then we are much more likely to walk forward in humility and encourage our friends and prospective adoptive couples to do the same. The statistics are bad for all children in need of a home. They are all at risk. But the greatest risk? It is the risk to their souls...their eternities.

Matthew 10:28
Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

We must remember what our number one purpose is on this earth.

It is to share the love of Jesus.

When we mix legalism in with the call to adopt, we push aside the Holy Spirit. Many of us are called to adopt, but we are not all called to the same country. We are also not all called to adopt older, younger, infant, Caucasian, trans-racially, or special needs children...but we are all called to obey the Lord's specific calling for our families.

We must put Jesus first. He is the reason we do what we do. He is the one who guides our steps and smooths the path to our children. He is the one who can use our obedience to change the life and eternal destiny of a child.

And they all deserve that.

So how did we make our decision? How do YOU make the decision?

It is an enormous task to process all the possibilities and attempt to narrow things down enough to actually start the adoption process. You can only make the decision by listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Pray, pray, and pray some more. Seek the Lord and investigate all the risks, costs, statistics, and adventures of both domestic and international adoption. Look at the age, marriage, travel, and other requirements of all the countries and see where you qualify. And then continue to pray, trust His leading, and go for it.

Don't let fear, finances, or the opinions of others slow you down or tempt you to stop moving forward. If God has called you, then He has called you and He expects you to obey. Stand confident in your decision and rejoice as you see the walls come down and the path to your child (or children!) open up before your eyes.

God knows you, and He knows your heart. He knows how He has equipped you and who will best fit into your family. He knows the children already in your home and what their emotional and relational needs are. He sees the beginning and the end at the same time and already has all the details under control.

Trust Him...oh, I wish I could shout this! TRUST HIM and enjoy the ride! No matter where your children come from, whether you have an airport homecoming or a quiet arrival in the night, you will learn things about yourself and about your Father in Heaven that you would have never known any other way. Whether you bring home a newborn or a teenager, you will be brought to your knees by the experience and you will learn to depend on Him and walk in His strength as never before.

Parenting in GRACE

I have recently learned more about parenting by grace rather than by law.  After adopting, my parenting styles had to be shifted once again, as it did to fit each of my biological children's needs.  What I have learned about parenting an adopted child by grace can and does apply to my biological children as well.  I am so thankful that my eyes have been opened to the depth of grace.  I took these nuggets away from a recent conference I attended...

The law shows you what is wrong with you (sin-conscious).
Grace reveals that you are the righteousness of God in Christ (Christ-conscious).

The law relies on external controls.
Grace trains in Holy Spirit control.

The law focuses on sin/sin prevention.
Grace focuses on Identity/Destiny.

The law is rigid.
Grace gives Spirit-led choices.

The law works in the context of rules.
Grace works in the context of relationship.

The law controls.
Grace empowers.

The law punishes.
Grace trains/disciples.

The law is backward looking.
Grace is forward looking.

The law withholds intimacy/creates emotional distance.
Grace creates intimacy.

The law stimulates shame, fear, hiding, and bondage.
Grace produces openness, encouragement, and freedom to make mistakes.

The law is conforming.
Grace is transforming.

The law requires/forces performance.
Grace yields and expects fruitfulness (as a natural consequence).

As I study what grace looks like, I know that I want to parent by grace just as my Heavenly Father "parents" me.  Grace cannot be an excuse for your children to run all over you but, if used corretly, parenting by grace can bring a peace and togetherness to your home that you have never experienced before.

For further study read Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel.

show HOPE; a movement to care for orphans

Tonight, I would like to highlight an amazing organization that was originally founded out of one couple’s(Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman) desire to see more children find their way into forever families.  Show Hope is a non-profit organization that mobilizes individuals and communities to meet the most pressing needs of orphans in distress by providing 1)homes for waiting children through adoption aid grants, and 2)life-saving medical care for orphans with special needs.

Last week, I had the opportunity to meet some of the beautiful children that Show Hope helped to bring home at a Steven Curtis Chapman concert.  It was amazing to witness part of  the ripple effect of the initial vision the Chapman family had to help a few orphans find a home.  At the concert, it was announced that over 3,000 children have been adopted with the help of this organization. 

I love that this organization realizes that adoption is clearly God’s heart, and they don’t want finances to be a barrier that prevents families from being able to adopt if they feel God is calling them to this.  Show Hope provides adoption grants for families that qualify, has t-shirts you can sell for your adoption, and also assists with engaging the church to care for orphans.  In addition to the adoption assistance, they also have various other ways to get involved in orphan care such as short term missions trips.

In James 1:27, God calls every Christian to look after the orphans and widows in their distress.  If you want to be obedient in that calling, I strongly encourage you to explore Show Hope to find out more about this organization, and to see how you can get engaged! 

We Have All We Need In Jesus

Rich or poor, God I love you more

Than anything that glitters in this world

Be my all, all consuming fire

Cause we have all we need in you

All we need is you

All we need is you

We have sung the above praise and worship song a couple of times in recent weeks at our church, and it moves me to tears every time.  I love the simple truth that is portrayed in the chorus, especially during this season of my life.  You see, my husband and I are now approaching 19 months of waiting for the referral of our daughter from Ethiopia.  No one could have predicted the dramatic change that has taken place in recent months, but I know that God has called us to this and therefore, He will see us through this. 

It is so easy to let my desire to know who our daughter is and our adoption in general, consume my thoughts on a daily basis.  We have already developed a deep love for this precious girl that I can’t even put into words; however, I know this pales in comparison to the love our Heavenly Father has for us.  If we are seeking after Him, He wants to give us the desires of our hearts, but it has to be done in His perfect timing.  I take comfort in knowing that He can see the big picture when my perspective is so limited. 

We have so many unknowns that lay ahead of us as we continue this amazing journey God has us on; however, I pray that I can give my complete and total control to Jesus.  I pray this because I know without a doubt that Jesus is the only place I will find peace and contentment.  “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid”(John 14:27)

If any of you are at a place in your fostering or adoption journeys where you sense fear or worry creeping in,  I pray that you will turn to Jesus.  As I read in a daily devotional recently, Jesus is there to outsource your anxiety.  Slow down, look up, trust Him, and watch Him create extraordinary results.  This is the only place where your thirsty soul can always drink and be satisfied. May you find sweet rest for your souls as you give the circumstances of your life over to the one that gave His perfect life for us.  After all, He is truly all you need.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

Created for Care

This past weekend I had the blessing of attending the Created for Care retreat. It was indescribable to be surrounded with 430+ adoptive mothers all united in worship and sharing our stories of how we came to adoption...our journey to our children. God was certainly there, as He is in every step of each of our stories.

I had many takeaways from the weekend, but there were three primary things that pertained to my children that really seemed to hit home for me as a mom. The first was that God did not call us to "fix" our children. God calls us to love our children with the same love He has for us. We are to meet them where they are. It sounds so hard, but really isn't it simple? When my daughter is fearful of everything and I don't understand why and get so frustrated with her, I don't need to fix that in her...I need to love her where she is and work with her fears and one day she will learn to not be afraid by the love of Christ I am showing her. There are many examples I could give but that is a daily struggle in our house...fear of everything.

The second thing that was said in one of our sessions was that JESUS is our child's Savior. We can't save them and nor should we continue to try to. He is the only one who can and we can only model the Salvation in the way that we love our children and the way that we daily love others.

The final takeaway regarding my children was that in teaching our children about the Lord if you make religion or the Lord a forced part of everyday it becomes LAW and not love. Children don't buy into law, but they do buy into love. Her meaning of that was...if prayer isn't an active part of your day everyday, forcing them to do it at dinnertime becomes law. If praying with them before a big test, a dance at school, finding Mr. Bunny, etc. isn't a part of your everyday activities with your children and they aren't used to seeing that...forcing it on them becomes LAW.

I can tell you this, I don't want to fix my children, I want Jesus to be their Savior and it is my prayer that they are living in a house where the Holy Spirit is felt on an intimate level.

Created for Care is a weekend that I am so blessed to have attended the last two years and look forward to attending next year! If you want more information on Created for Care and their next retreat, you can go to their website: http://www.createdforcare.org

Attachment

Attachment is a word that was really foreign to me in our first four adoptions. Since they came home at 2-3 days old, our first days and years as parents were nearly identical to the first days and years of a family with biological children. Aside from our racial differences, life at home was...well, normal.

Bring on child #5.

She came home at 3 years old. And she not only had an opinion, she had attitude! We figured out early on that she was ultra charming because she was literally scared to death of being left alone. She was willing to attach to just about anyone just in case this "forever" thing didn't work out. We had to be very careful when friends came to visit, to be sure we were the ones to hold her, rock her, and reassure her that when the friends left she would not. We had to demonstrate over and over that she was here to stay, for better or worse.

One year later our dance has become more in sync. One year later I know to preemptively scoop her up in my arms when a new visitor arrives in order to head off attention-seeking behaviors at the pass. It works like a charm. I know that she thrives with rock-solid boundaries and is reassured when the rules stay the same no matter who is watching. She knows we mean what we say and say what we mean and she knows she is loved.

In the book "The Connected Child" by Karyn Purvis, attachment is referred to as a dance. And I see that now. I have not always danced well, but I have learned much. When my little girl bursts into a grin as I enter her line of sight, my heart swells with joy because I can feel the love growing between us.

Just yesterday, she had to have her 5 year immunizations. She hesitantly let the nurse draw blood and repeat that TB test with not a single tear. But the two shots in the leg? Well, they hurt. She started to sob and turned her little face into my neck for comfort.

What a sweet feeling, to hold her and rub her back and remind her of just how brave she was. As the tears subsided, she basked in the knowledge that mommy thought she was brave. Over the course of the day, she would ask me to repeat why she was brave over and over just so she could savor the feeling once again.

Attachment is a long process. It can take years to accomplish. But I see how far we have come, and how well attached she really is, and I rejoice. It is God who knits hearts together. It is God who builds our families. And it is God who turns the hearts of children to their fathers, and the hearts of fathers to their children. I am so grateful for the opportunity to, once again, see Him at work...to live out the truths of His kingdom as I prayerfully mother these five sweet gifts He has given me.

Adoption is an amazing experience...a gift that truly keeps on giving, even in the hard times. We learn so much about God's heart as we learn to take up our cross and follow Him, things that I believe I may have never been able to learn any other way.

ABORTION SURVIVOR

Did you know that these two words can be and are used in the same sentence?

Tonight my husband and I had the privilege of viewing the film October Baby which is being released in March of 2012.  This film is a powerful and moving representation of redemption in the context of today's culture. This is a story of healing and the power of forgiveness in the midst of abortion, adoption and other emotionally charged issues.

This motion picture shows the power that adoption has to give an orphan a forever family.  Sometimes it is difficult for me, as a child raised by biological parents, to understand the issues that adopted children must face.  Viewing October Baby gives insight into the mind of a struggling adopted daughter and reveals the difficulties she faces.

Adoption is one way to fight abortion, a very strong way and I am excited that 200-300 theaters will be showing this film in March.  Support the film during the opening weekend so that the truths revealed here can be spread across the world!  You will not be disappointed!

OCTOBER BABY

(click on the title above to view the trailer)