My husband and I have two daughters both adopted domestically. To say they are the greatest blessing this earthly life has offered us is an understatement. I am in awe of the wonder of how God made my family and brought us together through the miracle of adoption. It was no accident, rather it was His awesome and perfect plan since the beginning of creation. In the last few years I’ve experienced enormous support from loved ones, and for that I will forever be grateful. But I’ve also encountered many thoughtless comments and potentially damaging remarks regarding adoption. Although these conversations are well-intentioned, they invoke a guarded posture within me as if I must fight to defend the legitimacy of my family. Our culture is one that seems to place a higher value on genetics. It suggests biological families are somehow superior to those brought together through adoption. Strangers, friends, and even family seem to imply that adoption is risky, abnormal, and even second best. My hope in writing this is to shed light on the feelings of an adoptive mom while confronting common misconceptions in adoption. Below are some frequently asked questions regarding adoption.
Oh, if I could tell you how they are my own. The love that I have for them is indescribable. I love every detail about them. It is awesome. It is crazy. It is perfect! After we brought home our oldest daughter I remember looking at her sweet face in the wee hours of the morning, wondering how I could have been blessed with something so amazing. It was during those moments that the scripture “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” kept coming to my mind. It seemed very odd because quite literally she wasn’t bone of my bones or flesh of my flesh. It is a scripture quoted in many marriage ceremonies and possibly thought of between parent and biological child. Why would God of given me this scripture? I believe He was trying to show me the inseparable union of this family. Just as my husband and I were united as “one flesh” the day we married, we were united with our children as “one flesh” the day they were placed in our arms. Nothing but death will separate this union. We are just as much a family as those joined together biologically and they are just as much sisters as any other set of siblings. So, yes, they are my own and of course they are real sisters!
This is really not that applicable to us as we are a trans-racial family. My husband and I are Caucasian and our girls are African American and African American / Caucasian. This is a question that has been asked numerous times by different people and I feel it deserves a bit of attention. First of all, we have talked about adoption with them since they were infants. Their adoption stories are celebrated not hidden. Years ago it was not only common to wait to tell children their adoption stories until they were older, it was also common place for adoption “matching” to occur. Adoption workers literally tried to “match” babies to adoptive families by race, physical characteristics, and even social class. This has not been the case for a long time. Even in same race adoptive families it is encouraged for children to grow up knowing their adoption story and be given as much information about birth families as possible. Adoption is awesome! I want to scream this to the hill tops! My children know that our family was joined together in an amazing way. Concealing information or simply never speaking of adoption would give the idea to the adoptive child that adoption is somehow wrong or even shameful. My children view their adoption stories as a source of pride. Waiting until what seems by some to be the “right” moment would undermine our efforts to instill a positive self-identity. We give age appropriate information as their understanding of adoption evolves and encourage any questions regarding their births and biological families. We seek and nurture friendships with other adoptive families and support those that are in the process or considering adopting. It is important for our children to see other families that look like ours and bond with other adopted children. So, yes adoption is talked about frequently in our home.
