Positive adoption language

My husband and I have two daughters both adopted domestically. To say they are the greatest blessing this earthly life has offered us is an understatement. I am in awe of the wonder of how God made my family and brought us together through the miracle of adoption. It was no accident, rather it was His awesome and perfect plan since the beginning of creation. In the last few years I’ve experienced enormous support from loved ones, and for that I will forever be grateful. But I’ve also encountered many thoughtless comments and potentially damaging remarks regarding adoption. Although these conversations are well-intentioned, they invoke a guarded posture within me as if I must fight to defend the legitimacy of my family. Our culture is one that seems to place a higher value on genetics. It suggests biological families are somehow superior to those brought together through adoption. Strangers, friends, and even family seem to imply that adoption is risky, abnormal, and even second best. My hope in writing this is to shed light on the feelings of an adoptive mom while confronting common misconceptions in adoption. Below are some frequently asked questions regarding adoption.

Do you have any children of your own? Are they yours or did you adopt them? Are they real sisters?

Oh, if I could tell you how they are my own. The love that I have for them is indescribable. I love every detail about them. It is awesome. It is crazy. It is perfect! After we brought home our oldest daughter I remember looking at her sweet face in the wee hours of the morning, wondering how I could have been blessed with something so amazing. It was during those moments that the scripture “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” kept coming to my mind. It seemed very odd because quite literally she wasn’t bone of my bones or flesh of my flesh. It is a scripture quoted in many marriage ceremonies and possibly thought of between parent and biological child. Why would God of given me this scripture? I believe He was trying to show me the inseparable union of this family. Just as my husband and I were united as “one flesh” the day we married, we were united with our children as “one flesh” the day they were placed in our arms. Nothing but death will separate this union. We are just as much a family as those joined together biologically and they are just as much sisters as any other set of siblings. So, yes, they are my own and of course they are real sisters!

Do you plan to tell them they were adopted? Do they know they were adopted?

This is really not that applicable to us as we are a trans-racial family. My husband and I are Caucasian and our girls are African American and African American / Caucasian. This is a question that has been asked numerous times by different people and I feel it deserves a bit of attention. First of all, we have talked about adoption with them since they were infants. Their adoption stories are celebrated not hidden. Years ago it was not only common to wait to tell children their adoption stories until they were older, it was also common place for adoption “matching” to occur. Adoption workers literally tried to “match” babies to adoptive families by race, physical characteristics, and even social class. This has not been the case for a long time. Even in same race adoptive families it is encouraged for children to grow up knowing their adoption story and be given as much information about birth families as possible. Adoption is awesome! I want to scream this to the hill tops! My children know that our family was joined together in an amazing way. Concealing information or simply never speaking of adoption would give the idea to the adoptive child that adoption is somehow wrong or even shameful. My children view their adoption stories as a source of pride. Waiting until what seems by some to be the “right” moment would undermine our efforts to instill a positive self-identity. We give age appropriate information as their understanding of adoption evolves and encourage any questions regarding their births and biological families. We seek and nurture friendships with other adoptive families and support those that are in the process or considering adopting. It is important for our children to see other families that look like ours and bond with other adopted children. So, yes adoption is talked about frequently in our home.

You meet with your daughter’s “real” mother! Are you afraid she may come and try to claim her? Do you think this will confuse your daughter?

I must be honest and say that when my husband and I first began the adoption process I was fearful of birth parents. This stemmed from lack of knowledge. My children are 100% legally mine. Their birth parents have no parental rights to them and have no authority over their lives. We have an open adoption with my daughter’s birth mom by choice. We take this one day at a time and if we decide the relationship is in any way unhealthy to our daughter we have the right to stop the communication. Our visits have gone wonderfully and it has given me an incredible heart not only for her but for all birth mothers. She loves our daughter very much and made a very difficult and selfless decision when she decided not to parent. It is because of her great love that she chose adoption. This has not been a source of confusion for my daughter. She knows without a doubt that I am her mother and always will be. If anything, it has helped her to understand her adoption story with a greater sense of awareness. I am hopeful this relationship will help to foster respect and love for her birth mother. Keep in mind that open adoption is not for everyone. There are some situations where it would not be a healthy choice for anyone involved, especially the child. Many foster care adoptions take place when birth parents lose parental rights due to neglect and abuse. With international adoption it is nearly impossible to have contact with birth families. Many countries have little to no information about biological parents. Some birth parents are not comfortable with the idea of having a relationship with a child they relinquished and some adoptive parents are not comfortable with having a relationship with the biological parents of their child. Every adoption is unique and what works for one family may not for another. In our case it has been an unbelievable blessing to us all and we hope to be able to continue it in the future.

Adoption is truly a miraculous event. I am aware that some things cannot be understood until it is experienced for oneself. Many of the comments we receive are phrased exactly the way I would have stated them just a few years back. I am also aware that in order to educate people about adoption and the orphan crisis I must welcome appropriate questions. Just remember, adoptive children are listening to the questions you ask and the responses to those questions. So, please be mindful of the words you use because little ears are everywhere.