Regarding Birth-mothers

As the adoptive mother of five children, I hold the love of several birth-mothers in my heart. I have been often asked the questions,"Why didn't she want them?" and "Aren't you afraid she will want them back?"

These questions don't anger me, unless they are asked in front of my children.

I'm sure you understand that.

But I do know people wonder. The unknown can be scary and, because of the negative nature of adoption in the media, many people have a "worse case scenario" view of birth-mothers.

Out of love for these heroines in the lives of my children I would like to paint the true picture.

Yes, of course there are those who abandon their children. There are those whose substance abuse or physical abuse of their babies results in the loss of custody. There are those who just "want out" and think giving the baby to someone else will get them off the hook. (At least the young women in the latter case chose LIFE.)

But in five adoptions, that has never been our experience.

Four times I have looked into the eyes of a young woman, whose beautiful large belly holds my child, and seen hope. I have held our birth-mothers as they wept over their decision, hoping desperately that her child, our child, will understand. I have whispered urgent promises through tears that YES, her baby will know she loves him. YES, her baby will be told about her and the heroic act of faith that took place when she placed them in my arms. I have promised her prayers, love, and someday...someday...a chance to see and know what God has done in the life of her child, our child, because of her love for her baby.

Our birth-mothers have been the hands and feet of Jesus in our lives. Through the consequences of their behaviors they have chosen a path of redemption. They have looked at their growing bodies and imagined the child within, prayed for direction, and stepped forward in faith to let go and trust God with their child's life more fully than I have ever had to. In the ultimate act of love and selflessness, they have walked away with empty arms and bodies still sore and depended on letters and pictures to tell the story of their children as they grow up. They have chosen to die to themselves, to place their hearts on the cross and hurt more deeply than they have ever hurt in their lives in order for their babies to live and have all God intended for them...a Mommy and a Daddy and the stability that comes with a healthy, intact family.

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. John 15:13

When we brought our youngest child home I incorrectly assumed there would be no birth-mother to love. So often children in Ethiopia are abandoned or death claims the parents. But I was wrong.

There was, and is, a woman who bore my daughter, who loved her and tried desperately to raise her. But poverty is relentless and it threatened to take the life of her child. In desperation she took her little girl to a place where she was told "she would get to grow up." And then she became ours. I got to meet this precious woman as well, and look into her eyes and make the same promises I have made to all the others.

"She will know you love her. "

"She will love you."

"We love you."

"We will teach her about Jesus."

There is no escape for me. I love these young women as you can only love the one person in the world who thinks your child is a amazing and wonderful as you do. I long to see them live in victory, to walk in the love of Christ fully and be blessed for their willingness to walk the path of the cross for the sake of their children.

So, my answer to the questions people ask? I guess they are really pretty simple.

"Why didn't she want them? She wanted them desperately, would have loved to have had the joy of raising them, but chose to be obedient to God's plan over her own desires."

"Does she want them back? Of course, she does. If you could bring someone back that you have loved and had to let go, wouldn't you? But she loves them too much. She knows that where they are is where they belong would never take that away from them. "

To every birth-mother in my life, whether of my children or of others', thank you from the bottom of my heart. May our children rise up and call us all blessed.

(Prov. 31:28)

coming home

My husband and I recently brought home our new son and daughter. It was an 18 month journey we will never forget. We learned early on in the adoption process that adoption is a group effort. We were covered in prayer, we had friends organize fundraisers and we had people simply give of their time and money to help us give two children a forever family, generosity overflowed.   Some of our support came from other adoptive families… they “get it”… and others who supported simply had developed a heart for the orphan and the way they can “care” is to help other families like us bring children into our home.



What I want to focus on here is about what happened when we got “the call” to go pick up our children. I simply want to make a list of ways that you can love and support adoptive families in those final days. In our case, we left the country in a hurry and only “knew” our children about a week before we flew out. So we had one week to get clothes, baby items (we weren’t expecting a baby at all) and so forth together before we departed, the rush was on!


SHOPPING- Get a list of items needed and go shopping for a family getting ready to travel. This frees up time for the adoptive parents to make final arrangements to travel and take care of loose ends that need to be tied up before they travel.

MOWING- If it is the time of year for yards to be mowed then make arrangements to mow while they are gone. You can even offer to mow when the family returns home to free up time to allow the family to bond with one another.

LANDSCAPING- Mulch or clean out flower beds , plant flowers or just spruce up what is already there.

CAR DETAILING- Most parents spend a lot of time in their car and the last thing they want to do or have time to do before traveling is clean a car inside and out. It is so refreshing to come home to a clean car.

CLEANING THE HOME- A thorough cleaning is such a gift to come home to.

SET UP BEDS- If any beds need to be set up make arrangements to help out that way.

GROCERY SHOP- Buy food so that the adoptive parents do not have to worry about that when they get home. Buy favorite foods, fresh foods and staples that may be needed.

CARE FOR PETS- Offer to sit for any animals the family may have.

COLLECT MAIL- Pick up the mail so the family does not have to have it stopped and then figure out how to get it when they return home.

PREPARE MEALS- Set up a meal schedule for the family when they return. You can also have people prepare meals to stock their freezer.

Above are a handful of ways we were helped. Our experience was with international adoptions where we were out of the country for three weeks. Every story and situation varies. Our personal experience was tough. We had our hands full with one child who was out of control and another one who was pretty sick. When we landed, where we call home, we were exhausted… physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted. We had an incredible welcoming crew at the airport… a sight we will never forget. We had friends get our luggage together and then someone else pulled our car around with car seats installed. We were loved well. We came home to a clean house, stocked full of food (overflowing out of the pantry onto the counter tops). We had rooms set up, clothes gathered and organized and we even had new candles to burn that were calming. We had age appropriate toys for both kids given to us. We had diapers, wipes, laundry detergent and paper products waiting for us. We only had to buy some milk, eggs and fruit the first six weeks we were home. So many little things (and big things) were done that made our arrival home so much easier… less stressful. We were loved so well that our time was able to be spent with our kids. We had to transition two new children into our home and help our other three children embrace the change taking place.

I believe this is one example of why being among a group of believers is so important. They are able to serve you and love you as Christ would love. Many sacrificed and gave and in the end two children have a family to call their own.

Love well.

Power of Prayer

Prayer – acknowledging and experiencing the presence of God and inviting His presence into our lives and circumstances.  It’s seeking the presence of God and releasing the power of God which gives us the means to overcome any problem(as defined by Stormie O’Martian in The Power of a Praying Parent)

I work in the medical profession and with children, a combination that I love.   In order to stay current with the latest treatment interventions, I frequently read research articles from various medical journals.    Although prayer is controversial as a therapeutic intervention in the medical world, I have witnessed the positive effects from it over and over in the lives of the children I am blessed to work with.  In the past decade, there has even been medical research done regarding prayer and it’s effects.  The findings confirmed what I already know to be true! See below:

David R. Hodge, an assistant professor of social work in the College of Human Services at Arizona State University, conducted a comprehensive analysis of 17 major studies on the effects of intercessory prayer – or prayer that is offered for the benefit of another person – among people with psychological or medical problems. He found a positive effect.

Hodge’s work is featured in the March, 2007, issue of Research on Social Work Practice. It is widely recognized as one of the most prestigious journals in the field of social work.

Just as it is in my career, I believe that prayer is one of the most powerful tools we have at our disposal in parenting our foster or adopted children.  Each one of our children is a precious miracle from God, and we do them a disservice if we don’t intercede for them daily.  

There is no problem or concern that we have that is too big for our God.  This  may include a variety of things such as the various waiting phases or attachment/bonding issues in adoption to difficulty with transitions/ adjustments in the foster care world.  God longs for us to be in relationship with Him and intercessory prayer on behalf of our children can only strengthen this relationship. 

As a parent, we know that it’s impossible to physically be with our children ALL of the time; however, we serve a God that is.   We can continuously come to God on our children’s behalf and take comfort in knowing that He will be watching over them in our absence.  

So, whatever you are facing today with your children, I encourage you to give it over to the Lord in prayer.  I strongly believe that praying for your children is one of the best gifts you could ever give them, and I hope that you will accept this invitation to make prayer a part of your daily lives.  Your children will not regret it!

“Rejoice always,  pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” 

1 Thessalonians 5:16 - 18

Friendships

My family and I have been blessed to be part of a community where adoptive families are plentiful. I can’t imagine what it would be like to not have the precious friendships I have with other mothers that share in my love for adoption. It has truly been a blessing in not only my life but my children’s lives as well. My children will have the opportunity to experience life with other adoptive children that share a common bond that can only be understood by each other. My four year old loves to talk of her adoption story and many times will ask for us to name all the children she knows that also have adoption stories. We are close friends with several adoptive families and she loves being with all the children. Even though she doesn’t fully understand the reality of adoption and this understanding will constantly evolve with each level of development, she does understand that her story is different than some but in our wonderful community, shared by many! I encourage those of you that are not involved with other adoptive families to seek them out. These relationships and the insights you learn from them are priceless!

Contact events@the127call.org for information about our upcoming adoptive family fellowship to be held on Saturday October 1^st at the MTSU football game.

October Fellowship

If you are an adoptive or foster family or have a heart for orphan care, please join us for an awesome night of fellowship and MTSU football as we tailgate on October 1st from 3:30-5:30. Kickoff is at 6:00! Email events@the127call.org to purchase tickets!

HIV / AIDS

Definition(by Mayo Clinic) :AIDS is a chronic, potentially life-threatening condition caused by the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV). By damaging your immune system, HIV interferes with your body's ability to fight the organisms that cause disease. HIV is a sexually transmitted disease. It can also be spread by contact with infected blood, or from mother to child during pregnancy, childbirth or breast-feeding. It can take years before HIV weakens your immune system to the point that you have AIDS. There's no cure for HIV/AIDS, but there are medications that can dramatically slow the progression of the disease. These drugs have reduced AIDS deaths in many developed nations. But HIV continues to decimate populations in Africa, Haiti and parts of Asia.

I grew up in Indiana, and one of my first memories in regards to the emergence of AIDS in the United States was the Ryan White story. As time went on, I remember the media frenzy surrounding other well known individuals such as Greg Louganis and Magic Johnson who had contracted the disease.  It even became personal to me as I had a first cousin with hemophilia who contracted the disease through a blood transfusion at 6 months of age.  The one thing that the individuals referred to above have in common is that they all live in America; therefore, they had access to some of the best medicines and health care in the world.  The disease could not be cured, but in most cases the lifespan was greatly lengthened. While I am aware that there are still many new cases of this disease in our country, we don’t hear the media ‘buzz’ about it like we used to.

Unfortunately, HIV/AIDS is virtually an instant death sentence and a social pandemic for those who live in the world’s poorest countries.  In the past year, I have read the book “The Hole in Our Gospel” by Richard Stearns, the president of World Vision.  This amazing book sheds a new light on the social injustices in our world, and encourages Christians to fulfill our responsibility to act as change agents.  As I have a passion for orphan care, my heart broke as I read the chapter discussing HIV/AIDs and the impact it has had on our world.  Here is an excerpt from his book:

Perhaps the most disturbing fact of all is that AIDS has now left 15 million children behind as orphans.  Again, this is a number that is incomprehensible.  Picture a chain of children holding hands and stretching out across America.  This chain, starting in New York, would stretch all the way to Seattle, back to Philadelphia, back to San Francisco, then east to Washington DC, back again to Los Angeles, and finally to about Kansas City – more than five and a half times across the United States! Do you now see why I have called HIV a “doomsday virus”?  These are the grim statistics of AIDS, but they do not tell the story of the men, women, and children whose lives have been destroyed.  In Africa they say that when it comes to HIV, everyone is either infected or affected – no one escapes completely

Now that we are made aware, I don’t think we can turn a blind eye and pretend this doesn’t exist.  So what can we do? I don’t think there has ever been a time more appropriate than now to bring us to our knees in prayer for these children orphaned by this terrible disease.  Another way we can respond is through supporting the HIV/AIDS initiatives of Christian organizations like World Vision or Compassion International who are working to supply the resources needed to both prevent new cases and provide care and treatment to those living with the virus, as well as care for affected orphans and vulnerable children.  Finally, for those of you considering adoption, you can pray about whether God is leading you to open your parameters to include children affected by this disease.

"Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows what we know, and holds us responsible to act." Proverbs 24:12

Transracial adoption

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

There are many opinions regarding adopting transracially/transculturally. This topic comes up quite frequently among adoption seekers as they are trying to make some significant decisions in not only their life but the life of their future child. I remember as my husband and I were praying about adopting a child and being open to any race. Although, we felt confident God had a plan for our family that was far better than ours, it was a very scary journey. Probably the scariest part to overcome was feeling ill-equipped to parent a child of a race different from our own. I had to find peace with the fact that there will be some things in this life I cannot fully understand nor be able to impart upon my daughters in regards to their culture and ethnicity. Yes, we belong together as a family in every way possible and though we may not share a racial heritage, we do share the deep rooted love of family. Being different racially doesn’t in any way invalidate us as a family. But we must acknowledge there will come a time as our children begin to appreciate their identity separate from ours that they may also feel the need to belong to their birth culture. We plan to do our very best in helping them to achieve this while recognizing we have limitations. Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall describe this wonderfully in their book Inside Transracial Adoption, “So when you can’t be the direct provider of culture, be a bridge to the culture your child needs to be part of. Please don’t feel discouraged by his participation in a culture that does not include you. The connecting links you can forge will not only support him, but will expand your family life in ways that will continue to unfold throughout your lives. Nothing could be more positive.”

Here are a few books I found helpful in regards to this topic. Some are specifically geared to prepare you for certain issues you may face as a transracial family and others offer suggestions for helping your children develop racial/cultural pride.

· Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall

· In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories by Rita Simon & Rhonda Roorda

· I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla by Marguerite A. Wright

· Adopted For Life by Russel Moore