Positive adoption language

My husband and I have two daughters both adopted domestically. To say they are the greatest blessing this earthly life has offered us is an understatement. I am in awe of the wonder of how God made my family and brought us together through the miracle of adoption. It was no accident, rather it was His awesome and perfect plan since the beginning of creation. In the last few years I’ve experienced enormous support from loved ones, and for that I will forever be grateful. But I’ve also encountered many thoughtless comments and potentially damaging remarks regarding adoption. Although these conversations are well-intentioned, they invoke a guarded posture within me as if I must fight to defend the legitimacy of my family. Our culture is one that seems to place a higher value on genetics. It suggests biological families are somehow superior to those brought together through adoption. Strangers, friends, and even family seem to imply that adoption is risky, abnormal, and even second best. My hope in writing this is to shed light on the feelings of an adoptive mom while confronting common misconceptions in adoption. Below are some frequently asked questions regarding adoption.

Do you have any children of your own? Are they yours or did you adopt them? Are they real sisters?

Oh, if I could tell you how they are my own. The love that I have for them is indescribable. I love every detail about them. It is awesome. It is crazy. It is perfect! After we brought home our oldest daughter I remember looking at her sweet face in the wee hours of the morning, wondering how I could have been blessed with something so amazing. It was during those moments that the scripture “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” kept coming to my mind. It seemed very odd because quite literally she wasn’t bone of my bones or flesh of my flesh. It is a scripture quoted in many marriage ceremonies and possibly thought of between parent and biological child. Why would God of given me this scripture? I believe He was trying to show me the inseparable union of this family. Just as my husband and I were united as “one flesh” the day we married, we were united with our children as “one flesh” the day they were placed in our arms. Nothing but death will separate this union. We are just as much a family as those joined together biologically and they are just as much sisters as any other set of siblings. So, yes, they are my own and of course they are real sisters!

Do you plan to tell them they were adopted? Do they know they were adopted?

This is really not that applicable to us as we are a trans-racial family. My husband and I are Caucasian and our girls are African American and African American / Caucasian. This is a question that has been asked numerous times by different people and I feel it deserves a bit of attention. First of all, we have talked about adoption with them since they were infants. Their adoption stories are celebrated not hidden. Years ago it was not only common to wait to tell children their adoption stories until they were older, it was also common place for adoption “matching” to occur. Adoption workers literally tried to “match” babies to adoptive families by race, physical characteristics, and even social class. This has not been the case for a long time. Even in same race adoptive families it is encouraged for children to grow up knowing their adoption story and be given as much information about birth families as possible. Adoption is awesome! I want to scream this to the hill tops! My children know that our family was joined together in an amazing way. Concealing information or simply never speaking of adoption would give the idea to the adoptive child that adoption is somehow wrong or even shameful. My children view their adoption stories as a source of pride. Waiting until what seems by some to be the “right” moment would undermine our efforts to instill a positive self-identity. We give age appropriate information as their understanding of adoption evolves and encourage any questions regarding their births and biological families. We seek and nurture friendships with other adoptive families and support those that are in the process or considering adopting. It is important for our children to see other families that look like ours and bond with other adopted children. So, yes adoption is talked about frequently in our home.

You meet with your daughter’s “real” mother! Are you afraid she may come and try to claim her? Do you think this will confuse your daughter?

I must be honest and say that when my husband and I first began the adoption process I was fearful of birth parents. This stemmed from lack of knowledge. My children are 100% legally mine. Their birth parents have no parental rights to them and have no authority over their lives. We have an open adoption with my daughter’s birth mom by choice. We take this one day at a time and if we decide the relationship is in any way unhealthy to our daughter we have the right to stop the communication. Our visits have gone wonderfully and it has given me an incredible heart not only for her but for all birth mothers. She loves our daughter very much and made a very difficult and selfless decision when she decided not to parent. It is because of her great love that she chose adoption. This has not been a source of confusion for my daughter. She knows without a doubt that I am her mother and always will be. If anything, it has helped her to understand her adoption story with a greater sense of awareness. I am hopeful this relationship will help to foster respect and love for her birth mother. Keep in mind that open adoption is not for everyone. There are some situations where it would not be a healthy choice for anyone involved, especially the child. Many foster care adoptions take place when birth parents lose parental rights due to neglect and abuse. With international adoption it is nearly impossible to have contact with birth families. Many countries have little to no information about biological parents. Some birth parents are not comfortable with the idea of having a relationship with a child they relinquished and some adoptive parents are not comfortable with having a relationship with the biological parents of their child. Every adoption is unique and what works for one family may not for another. In our case it has been an unbelievable blessing to us all and we hope to be able to continue it in the future.

Adoption is truly a miraculous event. I am aware that some things cannot be understood until it is experienced for oneself. Many of the comments we receive are phrased exactly the way I would have stated them just a few years back. I am also aware that in order to educate people about adoption and the orphan crisis I must welcome appropriate questions. Just remember, adoptive children are listening to the questions you ask and the responses to those questions. So, please be mindful of the words you use because little ears are everywhere.

Waiting

Waiting. It seems that in the adoption process, you do a lot of waiting. You wait for paperwork to be returned, you wait for your referral, you wait for the time to go and hold your child…so much waiting. Sometimes up to three or more years. As my husband and I are praying about another adoption and the direction the Lord is leading us, I began to think about waiting.

Currently, we are being silent and listening to God to ensure that we do exactly as He says and make a move if and when He speaks. There is a song by John Waller called “While I’m Waiting”, when I heard it I instantly thought of the many families on the same journey as I am.

The following are the words to this incredibly moving song:

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

The point of our walk in Christ is that no matter what we live out our faith. We continue to praise Him through setbacks, through financial crisis in the adoption process, through friends and family struggles and their feelings towards our adoption…we PRAISE Him. He always answers and He’s always faithful. We must simply wait. Our personal journey and yours...He knows the ending. That is more comfort to me than anything. It doesn’t matter what the outcome is because if you allow Him to be the author of your story and WAIT on Him for the things in your life…it will be beautiful.

Fellowship...more than fun.

This Saturday, we are hosting a swim party and fellowship at Patterson Park here in Murfreesboro from 5-7pm. It will be such a fun evening for us all!

I know you get a lot of invites via Facebook, etc, regarding our Forever Families Fellowships, and it may seem like "no big deal" to some. It's just a potluck, a park playdate, or swim party, right?

It is so much more.

It is a chance for our children, adopted, biological, and/or fostered, to see that they are part of a bigger story that God is weaving.

It is a chance for them to feel that they are not alone...their families are not the only ones who don't look like each other and celebrate the diversity God has blessed us with.

It is a chance for them to be around other kids who get it, who don't need to ask the questions they all get asked because they all know the answers to those questions.

It is a chance for them to form bonds that could be lifelong...to be OK with who they are and where they are from, to mentor the younger ones coming up behind them as they walk their life's journey and grapple with the big questions.

It is a chance for us, as parents, to step back and watch...and let God work amongst us.

So please come! Be a part of these stories! Let God use you, your smile, your encouraging words, to bless a little heart or three!

Email me at foreverfamily@the127call.org and I will send you a pool pass via email.

This Saturday, June 18th from 5-7 pm at Patterson Park Community Center's indoor pool.

Be there!!

EMPOWERED TO CONNECT CONFERENCE

There is a great conference coming up September 23-24, 2011 right here in Nashville, Tennessee.  Here is a little information about it:

The Empowered To Connect Conference, sponsored by Show Hope, is a two-day conference for adoptive and foster parents, ministry leaders and professionals designed to help them better understand how to connect with children from hard places in order to help them heal and become all that God desires for them to be.

Led by Dr. Karyn Purvis (Director of the TCU Institute of Child Development) together with Michael & Amy Monroe (Leaders of Tapestry Adoption & Foster Care Ministry), this conference is ideal for adoptive and foster parents, those considering adoption or foster care and those who are serving and supporting others, including social workers, agency professionals, church and ministry leaders, counselors, therapists and others involved in adoption and foster care ministries or services.

Unfortunately, the early bird registration has ended; however, there are still spots available for the conference. You can go to this link to register:

http://www.showhope.org/AdoptionAid/PrePostAdoption.aspx

Hope to see you there!

Christmas Party...

This is coming in terribly late...but I believe it is worth the read! Wanted to take the opportunity to share a little bit about our Christmas party for the children in the care of our amazing foster parents in Rutherford County! December 6th, 2010 was our 2nd annual Rutherford County Foster Parent Association Christmas Party! We had an awesome turn-out with some of the same people from last year and several fresh new faces!

We had many local businesses participate in helping make the night a success! Demos made a big contribution with the food as did Jim and Nicks. Many other great local businesses donated our door prizes...absolutely wonderful to have participation from our community! It shows our families that our community cares about them and what they are doing with these kids! Keeping the kids in mind of course, the big guest of honor was flown in from way up North...Santa Clause himself made a special appearance to have individual pictures with the children and a helper passed out gifts to each of our sweet kids attending!

Dinner, dessert, games, face painting...a night of no worries for these incredible families! It is an absolute blessing to be with these special people that have been called to love and care for these children and we look forward to this event every year!

It is an honor to get to serve them for a night when they serve these children everyday! If you feel like this is an event that you would like to be apart of please go to our website for more information on how to get involved!

Forever Families Fellowship

Well I am finally getting my act together and posting pics from our first ever Forever Families Fellowship! Talk about a BLESSING! Adoptive families were everywhere with children from all over the world. It was truly a little slice of Heaven!

We are looking forward to our next Fellowship sometime in August. Check in often at the127call.org for updates. If you are an adoptive or foster family in Middle Tennessee or have ever entertained the thought of becoming one, we would love to have you join us! Email me (adopt@the127call.org) and I will be sure to add you to our contact list for our next event.

Also, if you have questions regarding adoption feel free to email me and I will be happy to do whatever I can to get you started on the amazing journey of adoption. You can also link to my email via our website and click on "contact us."

Now...see what God is doing in Middle Tennessee!

2010 Programs

OK, little late on these ... sorry!  Also, please bear with us as we work on the design of the blog ... slowly but surely we will get it built to where we want it...alright, here are the proposed 2010 programs and events for The 1:27 Call…


Local Involvement

Our goal is to be involved with at least 3 events for both the Good Shepherd Children’s Home in Murfreesboro, TN and our local county’s Foster Parent Association. We hope to be able to do hands-on manual work at the Children’s Home to be the hands and feet of Jesus and hope to work with the Foster Parent association to be able to be a positive influence into the foster childrens’ lives. Programs for the foster children could include providing a "baby basket” for babies new to foster parents’ homes, a backpack with school supplies for the school-age children, an "essentials” package for kids to take with them if they are removed from a home (change of clothes, toiletries, toy, etc). We are still working out the best way we can partner with the Foster Parent Association.

Adoption Advocacy

We believe that fellowship with other adoptive families is one of the best things for families going through adoption or thinking about adoption. It also creates friendships and bonds with families that you would never get without that. These bonds could be based upon a number of criteria: adoption country, age of children, living in same area of town, etc, etc. Nevertheless, we feel these fellowships are vital to the adoption process. We plan on organizing at least 3 of these "Forever Family Fellowships” in 2010. Our first will be in May with more details to soon follow.
We are also creating a "library” of information for families. Adoption rules are so different between domestic, foster care, and international … with international being different per country. Our goal is to help families understand what the rules of each type of adoption are.
Another goal of The 1:27 Call is to be able to help these adoptive families out financially … to help them "over the hump.” Many people know about the federal adoption tax credit but that does not come until after you have spent most/all the money for the adoption. We would like to provide families a no-interest loan available through the Abba Fund to help bring their children forever home.

Church Engagement

Our goal here is simple … to engage the Church in orphan care. We feel the Church has missed the mark here. We should not have 500,000 kids in foster care and 147 million orphans in the world if the Church was being the Church God called us to be. Our hope is that we can partner with at least 3 local churches this year. We would like to show them what God says about orphans, what our response as Christ-followers should be, and initiate and build orphan care programs inside their churches that will be not only a ministry inside the church but also a change in "culture” for that church and congregation. We will help these churches start their programs, help with events/programs they do, and provide a matching grant to them for the adoption assistance fund through the Abba Fund. We will be first starting with local churches and hopefully growing out from here … we will also be hosting a "Get to Know 1:27" for local church leadership in the 2nd quarter of 2010. If you’re in the middle Tennessee area and want to see an orphan care ministry at your church, let us know … we’d love to talk to you more about it!

International Relations

We are currently working through possible partnerships for our international focus. We are praying about where God wants us to be engaged. We also want to ensure the organizations we partner with are on the ground locally, provide a daily difference in the lives of orphans, and have low/minimal overhead and admin expenses to ensure the dollars we send are really being used for the care, support, and love to the orphans of the area. We hope to have one partnership set up in Q2 and 1-2 more on the horizon by the end of the year. Our support here will be through prayer and financial donations to projects directly involving the livelihood and care of orphaned children.


Donor Relations

For our first full year as an organization, we believe God has set an aggressive but exciting schedule planned for us. As you can imagine, many of the programs and events above are tied directly to financial investments. As an organization, our board has chosen to cover all administration costs! Also, all of our directors and team members are VOLUNTEERS so there is no paid staff. We say that so that you know that 100% of all donations go directly to our programs! OK, this is where you come in now … God has given the job to all who follow Him to care for orphans … are you directly involved with that? If so, THANK YOU for serving these children. If not, please pray about it … it shouldn’t take long as God has already told us what to do! :) In order to fulfill our commitments and plans outlined above, we do need your help. Would you consider becoming a donor to The 1:27 Call? You can donate online here or you can mail a check to The 1:27 Call, PO Box 224, Murfreesboro, TN 37133.

THANK YOU for R.E.S.P.O.N.D.I.N.G. to help these children!