For many people the term “special needs” means a child that exhibits some sort of physical or mental limitation and requires therapy, hospitalization, special education and a lot of medical attention. In the adoption world, we recognize that this is not always the case. Many children are older, are of different ethnicities, have emotional or physical abuse histories, are part of a sibling group, had pre-natal drug exposure and lastly they may have a physical or mental limitation or both. There is no such thing as a “typical” child, all children are all miracles and are originally designed by their Creator. However, adopting a child with a disability be it physical, mental or emotional does take commitment, dedication, a different skill set and preparation for raising them.
Seeing as I am the mother of a child with significant disabilities, I often hear language that is inappropriate or offensive not only to me, but to my child. I do not think that most people even realize that they have said something inappropriate, but rather it is a lack of understanding. My daughter has a rare seizure disorder, which causes global developmental delay and is also on the autism spectrum. She just began walking in the last 6 months and is in 7 therapy sessions a week. She is non-verbal and we have a great deal of difficulty being in large crowds or in settings with other children. Our life is dramatically different from many other families…yet we are a family.
My daughter has sensory processing issues in conjunction with her autism disorder…this leads to many issues for those that don’t understand her. She often hits because she has no perception of how hard her movements are, she pinches because she is seeking input from an outside source, she hugs hard and deep because her little body can’t regulate itself. She is in her therapy sessions to work on speech, her fine motor skills and learning to regulate herself. I share this because many times I find myself feeling as though people are judging me for my parenting, all the while knowing that people just do not understand my child and her specific needs. This can make social situations difficult and sometimes non-appealing for our family.
I love this quote by Mark Twain, “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lighting and a lightning bug.” Words hold power, not only to the child, but to the parent of the child. The following are guidelines for “People First Language” and how to talk to and/or about those with disabilities.
•Recognize that people with disabilities are ordinary people with common goals for a home, a job and a family. Talk about people in ordinary terms.
•Never equate a person with a disability -- such as referring to someone as retarded, an epileptic or quadriplegic. These labels are simply medical diagnosis. Use People First Language to tell what a person HAS, not what a person IS.
•Emphasize abilities not limitations. For example, say a man walks with crutches, not he is crippled.
•Avoid negative words that imply tragedy, such as afflicted with, suffers, victim, prisoner and unfortunate.
•Recognize that a disability is not a challenge to be overcome, and don't say people succeed in spite of a disability. Ordinary things and accomplishments do not become extraordinary just because they are done by a person with a disability. What is EXTRAORDINARY are the lengths people with disabilities have to go through and the barriers they have to OVERCOME to do the most ORDINARY things.
•Use handicap to refer to a barrier created by people or the environment. Use disability to indicate a functional limitation that interferes with a person's mental, physical or sensory abilities, such as walking, talking, hearing and learning. For example, people with disabilities who use wheelchairs are handicapped by the stairs.
•Do not refer to a person as bound to or confined to a wheelchair. Wheelchairs are liberating to people with disabilities because they provide mobility.
•Do not use special to mean segregated, such as separate schools or buses for people with disabilities, or to suggest a disability itself makes someone special.
•Avoid cute euphemisms such as physically challenged, inconvenienced and differently abled.
•Promote understanding, respect, dignity and positive outlooks.
God has richly blessed our family with our daughter. I love her for who she is, what she can do, and not what she is unable to do or has yet to master. You most assuredly feel the same way in regards to your family members. God’s word says in Matthew 25:40, “I tell you the truth, whatever you do to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me.” I truly believe that God longs for us to love those around us, regardless of disabilities, ethnicity or religion. He longs for us to love as He loves. Without limit. Without discrimination. He longs for us to educate not only ourselves but others on how to speak to one another in love.
One more side little note, never feel uncomfortable to ask a parent how to talk to their children about your child, or to ask a parent how you should best interact with their child as well as what terms they are comfortable with. For me personally, “special needs” does not feel like an insult…my daughter is special because she is mine and she does have special needs. For me personally, it is a signal that you truly care and are interested in forming a relationship with my child to ask me polite and appropriate questions.
